wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no