DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.