Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
3% human
97% stress
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud