Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
this came to me in a vision
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.