🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]