“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero