Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Ion see the issue
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them