Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.