[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
🙂🐾
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.