Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I hate everything
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”