[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.