Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
The two types of wives
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir