It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
You Might Also Like
the way this pissed me off… 😭
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.