Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.