*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?