♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.