2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.