The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
We need more people like this.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them