ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush