“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Breaking news:
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Seek kebab; not attention
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.