It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK