imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes