That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
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Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
He is just living hist best little life 😊
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile