“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
A friend helps you before you need it
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come