Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.