[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
A short story of betrayal:
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.