Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy