[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?