For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I have many caverns
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Potatoes were such a good idea
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs