Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Just ordered me some pizza!
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“HELP WITH CAT”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.