Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”