Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Can’t stop laughing
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind