Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
True
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”