Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either