ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem