me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes