Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Just ordered me some pizza!
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit