I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me, flirting😏
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
😩😩😩
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.