nyc:
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
need him
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.