Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂