I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The pasta is now
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.