Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
is this a warning or an offer?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater