[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
bad news gang
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ