Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
You Might Also Like
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
thanksgiving in nutshell
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Why is this me 😫
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.