#damn
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
What?