It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I didn’t realize that was an option
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!