me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.