Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
No regrets in 2018
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.