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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me too 😆
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
blocked.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.