saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now